We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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