She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
