On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Randomize
