Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
