"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
