while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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