hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
