ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i think i just lost a toe
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
