I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
