This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
