Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
