I don't think brook has ever known best
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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