So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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