he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
