alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
