Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I did not marry a roomba.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
