you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
