i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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