You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
