Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish i was in the wii world.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
