I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize