i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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