He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
