i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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