I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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