TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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