I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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