seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
