you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize