I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize