Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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