someone threw a dead crab at me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize