my phone needs a breathalizer
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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