I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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