I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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