Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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