I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
