I am puke
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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