Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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