the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
