I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize