i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
