Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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