mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
