I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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