I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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