I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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