Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
