he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
