We named our party play list daddy issues
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
