Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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