btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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