Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize