i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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