i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We had sex on a dog bed..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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