I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
