we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
