sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
